Words

I just wrote this little something-something, and read some of the old something-somethings I wrote, and realized that maybe, just maybe I'm kind of good at this. It's just the second day of exams, exhausted, as I am, to the core-est of my core, almost literally IV-ing to 1ml/kg/hr of caffeine for the past 72 hours, nonetheless still managing to suck at my exams, and yet discovering beyond all surprises that a few well-chosen words arranged in a certain non-pattern pattern could actually make me feel a little better about myself. I know that didn't make sense, but it sure did while I was typing it, and so it shall stay as it was writ.

Anyway, I still have about 13 hours until the third hell day of this 4-day hell week commences, so I better take a little nap to sustain me.

Before I go into some short but definitely, definitely deep slumber, allow me to proclaim my loyalties, lest I shall forget. For tonight, I shall swear allegiance to THE coffee, but definitely just to decaf, as I learned the hard way today. And a little sleep. And my pencil. And my highlighters. Gahd. I seriously need help.

I'm OK.

I have to keep repeating it over and over again lest I really lose it and take my own life.

I left school today, crying like there's no tomorrow. Maybe there won't be. At this point, I just have to keep repeating to myself that I will be OK. I am OK. I am OK.

I just feel so alone. Undeserving. Unloved. Stupid. Worthless.

I'm OK. I just need to get over this. I'm OK.

I'll get my hair done tomorrow. Hopefully, that will raise my spirits up, even for just a couple of days.

I'm OK. I know I'm not, but I just have to constantly say it. I'm OK.

24

Nope, not the TV show. That's my age as of today. I am a 24-year old industrial engineer currently taking up medicine. I also happen to be a bit of a recluse misanthrope with no boyfriend, a few friends, and a loving family. I'm also unemployed but overworked, dependent but lonely, and happy but pessimistic. Knowing me is basically just like knowing an endless chain of jumbled words that, most of the time, it becomes much, much better to just know me by my name and understand that I am never meant to be understood by anyone -- in lieu of trying and driving yourself mad in an attempt to accomplish the task at hand.

For the past couple of days, I had been down (depressed, miserable, unhappy, disconsolate, downhearted. It's not like I'm a website or something!). It's just a lot of things bottled up inside, really: the constant pressure from school, misunderstandings with "friends" and family, and the never-ending self-inflicted badgering to be perfect (fitter, smarter, kinder, whatev-er...). And I guess the birthday thing also plays a major role in all this. I've been traumatized by the events that lead to my disastrous 21st birthday, that I am afraid of acknowledging my birthdays ever again. Ever since then, I've been calling my birthdays D Days. I always keep telling people that I never celebrate my birthday anymore. And I never really do. Deep inside, however, I might actually be wishing that someone would put an end to this annual D Day thing with some sort of surprise filled with love. But as of this moment, despite the fact that I spent 3 hours of my day renewing my driver's license, another hour for studying, 2 hours walking and window-shopping, and another hour downloading lecture notes, I'd say this birthday was nice. Who knew ~200 short Facebook greetings, a pizza, ice cream, and an overly fattening cake could lift up the little cloud I've been carrying with me these past few weeks? I'm sincerely happier now. Although, I don't think I shall be able to look forward to my birthdays the way I did before my 21st. Nonetheless, I am satisfactorily happy, and I hope to be just as happy for the next few days, at the very least.

Chances are, no one would be reading this. But just in case someone does, I'd like to thank the people who made me happier today. To everyone who greeted, my family (especially to my mom who provided the lovely dinner), and my friends. I think God knew I needed everything I got today, so thank you, again and again, for being instruments of God's love.